Went to bed early last night, just to wake up and not feel well in the middle of the night. Ugh. Was up about an hour and fell back to sleep. So much for getting a good night's sleep! :).
I am feeling kinda down/sad right now. Sometimes, I just realize that everything is not as it seems, and that bothers me. I know it's the things in life that are not "cookie cutter" and "predictable" that make life what it is, but regarding certain things, I just always want there to be that "constant". I know I am being evasive here, but when certain things happen, it just brings me down and I don't know how to get past that. I hate, hate, hate seeing my friends and family do things to themselves that are creating heartache in thier lives, and I hate it even more when there is nothing I can do at all to help it.
I trust my gut. I used to question myself, until a few years back when an individual working with kurt and a friend on a business venture started to make me feel uneasy. I told Kurt that I did not trust this person, and I think everyone thought I was odd for saying so because he had not really given us a reason NOT to trust him. After all, Kurt's friend said, he is a really religious guy and a cancer survivor, those kinds of people don't screw others over. (yay, right). Anyway, long story short, the guy ended up disappearing with a large amount of money. We were not "out" any money, so whatever, but we should have gotten a nice vacation (or 2 or 3) out of our proceeds of that venture and never did. Since then, I have trusted myself and how I feel.
It really bothers me when I feel like people I am close to (family, friends, whomever), are not being upfront and honest with me. It has happened in the past with Kory's two sisters, and friends of mine. I can usually sense it, and when I call people out on it and they continue to misrepresent themselves, it bothers me. I almost always drop it, but it does not mean I will forget. Seriously. A lot of things are not any of my business, and that's fine. Just say that to me. I don't press things with people unless I think they will be harmed emotionally by their actions. And if you don't want to talk about it, that's totally fine. The only thing I ask for from friends and family is honesty. It's funny how sometimes that can be the hardest thing to confront and deal with, something that should be the easiest thing to do.
And I do get "why" people sometimes do this with me. I am, as my close friend Deanna says, a "Tell it Like it Is" kinda person, so I will not mesh with everyone. We went to dinner recently, and she is going through very legitimate hard times, and she said to me, "Lori, that's why I wanted to do dinner with you. You truly tell it like it is." I don't "baby" the facts/issues. If a friend needs a shoulder to cry on and the crying is legit, I am there. But, I am not going to let my friends sit around and cry over situations they have created for themselves. I want to help them towards doing better, creating something better for their lives. I guess I just need to deal with the fact that some people are not going to come to me with their problems, because they don't like my bluntness, LOL. I can't help who I am or how I feel with stuff like this.
And if anyone misreads this post and thinks it is about them, it's not. It's just something I have been thinking about lately. I question my instincts too much. I have been finding more and more that trusting my gut is the right way to go. I need to stop second guessing myself on things, and just go with it. if I am wrong, I am wrong, and that's OK. I don't need to be perfect and right all the time. Right?